There are times when I bottle my issues and thoughts about myself, causing me to worry about the future and struggle to "live in the present" as my Mother has been telling me. I keep thinking about what's happening in the world and struggling about what to do and I sometimes bury myself in things I find funny such as comical game show answers. I also think the state that our world is becoming and that I believe that its going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. I also think about things that are sinful, like porn.
During the morning I went with my Mother to go to Waitrose, we left relatively later then we should've, I wanted to go because I wanted cleaning stuff for my home especially for the bathroom. On the way there we saw a fridge just dumped near our church right at the bus stop. This is really hurtful because I just spent Saturday afternoon clearing up that road of litter, making 6 bags and for extra measure I found 2 car batteries inside the trees that I spent a good majority of the morning litterpicking and clearing up causing my car to get mud, leaves etc. inside my car. You can't just put car batteries in the bin, they have specific requirements to be recycled and to find them just dumped next to the road in a place that you wouldn't see is upsetting because of possible environmental consequences.
When we went to Waitrose I checked the nearby Hospice of Hope charity and in the end I didn't buy any games they were selling, in part because my computer isn't working, and because of what I've been told about video games. This hurts because I feel like I should've bought them because if they aren't sold they go to the skip. Some Christians would say probably "Good", just keep in mind the money I could've spent would have been used to help terminally ill people.
Mum told me I wasn't being with her even when I'm standing near her. There were times I wondered off, which is something Mum is very familier with but still aggrivating the real annoying point was it wasn't until we went to the checkout that I decided to get something that I could eat as a lunch, which in the end was ravioli and I spent longer then she wanted. When I got outside I discovered that there was an item (Strawberry Chewing gum) that I took out of the store without paying, so I went back to put it back, I simply forgot about it until we left the store.
Mum and I had another argument regarding the Bible. Mum is not a follower of the Bible and my father told my about my uncle who spent 6 years studying the Bible to become a priest, only to study the Bible origins and it apparently caused him to lose his faith. She is really upset on the fact that I stopped eating pork, among other things, since she enjoys raising pigs and . She sees nothing wrong with pornography, saying that its perfectly normal for people to look at.
When we got home I spent a lot of time in the car and when I finally went inside Mum was crying (I assumed it was my fault, although she denies this). I snapped and started to hit my head with the door, and I was screaming in anger and frustration. It wasn't just today its been everything. My recent job seems to take a toll on my health, since I started I developed a chest infection which has lead to a cough that to this day it hasn't gone, a bug that caused me to want to vomit and made me emotionally effected and recently I've developed an issue inside my mouth thats making eating more difficult. What's worse is that I can't seem to fight my addictions involving Youtube that causing me to abuse my body and sleep patterns. Eventually I managed to calm down and Dad and spent some time together with me organising the house and afterwards I cleaned my car inside and out.
I'm currently on the Book of Daniel, this one is one I'm looking forward to since I remember Daniel being thrown into the lions and God protected him from harm.
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