I had a horrible argument with my parents again.

Last night was a seriously horrible experience.

Earlier in my blog, September 19th to be precise, my university was offering an enterprise challenge where I could pitch an idea that could develop into a business and/or social enterprise. I brainstormed a new idea and wanted to pursue it. I don't want to go into details about the idea, only to say that I believe that I spotted a gap in the market of something lots of people do everyday to relieve stress.

I started filling in the idea and I was told to do a YouTube video which will explain my idea and how I would structure it with a timeframe of two minutes. Off course my idea is all theories and concepts. I would need to script the video and write a mind map to frame it.

Unfortunately, my parents were less then enthusiastic about the idea and they wanted me to stop. They wanted to list all the past experiences I had in terms of trying to make money in past and failed, not to mention that I was already putting too much onto myself and not focusing enough on my university course with my Dad screaming at me, because we had this issue over and over again.

I wasn't having it and I slammed the door. My parents told me to go back to my flat. I didn't want to and we were very angry with each other and I left the house without my keys to the flat or my phone. I didn't even go back to my flat, instead I went elsewhere and I even contemplated death trying to find the words to explain myself. I lied down under a tree in pitch black night under heavy rain for at least two hours. I didn't want to go back to them, I didn't want to feel like I'm not listened to. I find it so hard to feel like my confidence falters to the point that people reject me. I eventually did return to my parents' home to find a note on the door. It was them asking me to call me back. We love you. I did and I was screaming and crying. My next door neighbour wanted to know what was happening.

My mother was very upset, she was worried that she lost me. I would feel the same, I'm sure. This wasn't the first time I contemplated running away, I did walk up a farm field ruining a pair of shoes in the process because I argued with her, saying she was holding me back with her pessimism that she likes to say is realism, I wasn't convinced that she understands the distinctions. I did return that day and we know how hard it is to come to terms with our past, but we did. I somehow remind myself of a Pingu episode where Pingu runs away. His parents would eventually look for him and get him back home.

https://pingu.fandom.com/wiki/Pingu_Runs_Away#:~:text=Pingu%20Runs%20Away%20%28also%20known%20as%20Pingu%20Runs,refuses%20and%20splatters%20it%20all%20over%20her%20chest.

I still think our positions on this enterprise are still standing, but we agree that we both need help. Like we need another doctor appointment, I don't want to be prescribed another medication, the last time that happened was when I was convinced that humanity would be extinct from climate change by 2030. I didn't make this up, I'm not subscribing to that belief anymore but I do bare the weight of various environmental problems on my shoulders. I don't want to wait until my course is complete, nor do I want to give up on the idea of something that can help me with my financial wellbeing or perusing an idea that might be something no one has thought of before. When I was doing some writing, I actually went out of my way to conceptualise characters with unique traits and abilities. In the case of the enterprise challenge, I don't want to have my idea developed by someone else who managed to conjure up the idea and develop it without me.

I know that my parents want to help me, I'm not disputing that. I just feel like I'm inside a loop of struggles to keep myself holding together. Not helped by the fact my friend from Nigeria is in such a dire situation.

I didn't talk about this before but my friend in Nigeria, who is a real person I assure you, suffered a flood several weeks ago and her home was ruined. I had hoped that we wouldn't need to support her financially, but her daughter is now ill so in the end we did decide to send her money. So far it's a trial to make sure she would receive it without incident, we tried Western Union, but her bank rejected the money for reasons we don't know. So we tried World Remet, and it's worked, and we tried to send her another payment but that's not worked, I hope the issue is resolved soon.

First day of November and I feel like I'm hell.

Today's the first day of November and already I feel like I am about to descend into hell.

Yesterday I tried to support my friend in Nigeria who's suffered a massive flood and her son has injured himself in a fall and was purple all over with a serious cut on the head. (I actually thought he was beaten up by someone horrible, that's how serious the injury is). I hoped to send some money to her through Western Union but her bank rejected the request. I haven't returned to the shop to refund my money as I wanted her to check with her bank first, in case any other attempt to send her money is rejected.

In case anyone is wondering, no, this isn't a scam. I've been video chatting with her for years and she has shown her face, clear as day. I just want to make it clear. I've learn't some hard lessons and I'm not stupid.

As for what's happened, Boris Johnson has announced a massive national lockdown, starting on Thursday. Even my parents are somewhat concerned about the situation. They maintain that it's going to be alright, I don't need money, but I don't know. I just feel like soon, we will all need to pull our weight, my nephew included, if we are to hold onto any property and keep ourselves confidently afloat. How? Well, we will burn that bridge if we cross it.

Recently my local town has advertised a job involving a street cleaner, in other words, a litter picking job that's just a walk around town and it's part-time. If I get it, I can still hold onto my benefits and I can earn some extra money. That's if I get it. Failing that, I don't know what to do. The job at my local surgery has had two developments, one, there's not as much litter as before because I did such a great job filling up 4 bags, and two, they haven't paid me, yet. This job is in writing, so they can't excuse themselves for not paying. If only I could get another car park or institute to hire me to clean up the rubbish around their premises. I would gladly help.

Yesterday I heard that Super Affiliate Accelerator,  a program that promises to help you establish a 6 figure business is closing its $50 sale mid November. I could purchase it, but I can't, no small part is that if I did I would mentally overwhelm myself as University is taking up so much of my mental energy. It doesn't help that I need someone to check my work repeatedly to make sure I'm not making really stupid mistakes. Recently I took a moodle quiz and my results, to me, were unsatisfactory. I was expected to barely pass, but to my surprise I got more points than I expected but I was still not really happy with the results. I need to do better. Those moodle quizzes are vital to my final grade. I need to find a way to redo my notes so that I'm not taking it down word for word.

I also need to make a poster before December 10th. The subject I've chosen is deforestation and how we can mitigate it.