A movie, football, garbage, business emails, the list goes on!

I know I haven't been updating as much as I should.

On Thursday evening I accepted the invitation for an outside film experience, only it was raining all, so it was inside instead. The film in question was IT, the 2017 version. It was scary that's for sure. I also got a phone number from another student. One down, hundreds to go. They spoke about various events that I could attend and all I need is £10 for the year for admission. That's good.

I spent Friday morning at the Coffee Morning and thankfully I didn't have to pay the parking, to my surprise. It was also the last day for the opening festival for new students and I managed to get into the last session on my laptop and got to speak to a few staff members but my parents also made a chilli con carne and to my disappointment, my nephew wasn't going to come over this weekend. On the other side I called my psychiatrist and told her about my email to the surgery to get it cleared up. I was hoping for the manager to get in touch with me, but I haven't made it clear that I would like to be paid to clear up the car park. I wanted to call her before I go back home but I ended up watching a comedy crime film and it was very funny, especially with British wit.

Saturday morning my football club manager wanted me to help bring some stuff over to the park, again. I don't mind as long as I get to help. After the football, and returning the goods back to her home, I returned to the park to clear up the rubbish there. Once again I went overboard and I ended up going on and on until it was late afternoon. I filled bag after bag of rubbish, not to mention finding heavy stuff to take to the bin to be collected. I kinda wish I could be paid to do it. It would make it far more rewarding, I'm sure and there's no shortage of people who probably concur with that.

All this while my email account is filled with business opportunites and I feel like I would be considered an idiot not to take the offers. But I can't, partly because of my University and I haven't got all my stuff in order, such as my laptop taking too long. But mostly because its my parents still in my head. I know that I need to give the university a chance. But my defences are weakening...

There are times I hate my life. I know that my life is probably paradise compared to others, but I need something that I need to do something that makes me happy. Guess pre-ordering another game from Amazon will make me feel better.

Today, last night and my increasing concern of university.

Last night the STAART group was invited for a dinner at the University's dining establishment, The Deep end. Only I was the only one who came and stayed till the end. I usually like to be bang on time, but I was a few minutes late. Not that it mattered, mind you. Only one other student came and he only stayed for 10 minutes, tops.

I had a mac and cheese for dinner, while the group leader decided to have a burger with fries and a salad. I did quite a few small talk about my concerns. She is adamant that I don't start anything about making money until next year. I hate to think that, but I know that I would risk being overwhelmed by trying to get involved in trying to run a business. It doesn't help that I'm conflicted. I also told them about my project of getting my past home made videos into a DVD thing that I would like to upload onto Youtube.

She does say that after my first year I may contemplate taking another course instead of Environmental science. I wanted to finish my course because I wanted to have some leverage in making a way to help improve companies to help their environmental footprint, not just for Carbon Dioxide but their plastic pollution.

On the subject of the environment, I talked about Ecosia, the search engine that plants trees. They suggest that I write an article about Ecosia in the magazine for STAART. Sometimes these get downloaded a few hundred times. Maybe with a bit of a boost in attention, some students will download the app onto their smartphones and more traffic to Ecosia means more trees.

Today I was given the impression that I had to make a choice, watch a webinar about laws and how to help the UK and the EU, among other countries, with which to help boost the environmental policies in agriculture. A tall order, IMO. I think the Agriculture industry is corrupt and difficult to reform.

The other choice was to watch a webinar about how to run a successful business with a woman who worked at Greenwich university. She's managed to help empower women into making money through various means. Most of the entrepreneurs I met usually did affiliate marketing.

The honest truth was that it turned out I could do both, the former was prerecorded, so I decided to watch the business one. They're still offering that contest but I think I need to connect with someone with entrepreneurial before I start anything. That is, of course, if I can muster up the courage to do so. I have a couple of concepts in mind but I know that it means making some very tough decisions. Do I want to continue the course if I can't, or can I just work alongside an experienced entrepreneur as a business partner?

Afterwards I watched the environmental seminar and the man in question explains in great detail about the problems involving laws being passed, partly because of interpretation and cultural differences. But mostly because of anti-sediment from other parties, including, but not limited to those who are in the pocket of agriculture companies.

My weird dream and more of my past.

 Last night I had a strange dream about a nuclear explosion happening in an ocean and me and my Dad got to witness it. 

I then woke up early to find myself in significant anxiety. I have had quite a few days where I feel absolutely terrified but of what I don't know. Maybe climate change and my feeling of helplessness about it? My concerns about University? My interest in running an online business?

I just hope I can that I can do something about my predicament. I'm still thinking about my Youtube Channel, but I need to find the right equipment and I need to get to practice with what I need.

I was hoping to do more litter picking today but the Wombles have canceled the event because of Covid-19 restrictions. Much to my absolute disappointment. Oh well, I've emailed to someone some advice on how to do a Youtube channel. I'm still hoping to get something done before October.

I cooked dinner which was venison sausages, with mashed potato mixed with spring onions, broccolini, and cheese. Although it was fine, I'm not fully satisfied with how it turned out.

Lastly, my parents found some more home video footage of myself at the age of three years. This included my third Christmas. Something to think about posting when the time comes. I still feel nostalgia and it's making me cry. I'm such a softie. That does concern me since entrepreneurship can be ruthless. I'll talk about my feelings on it another time.

My feelings, my conflict and my struggle. Am I entrepreneurship material or what?

Since I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I've felt my world collapse. I thought all these months I was just being furloughed until my boss made it clear I'm not coming back to work and he was also distraught.

When I lost my job I stumbled onto Legion, an affiliate marketing business structure (that I've been blacklisted now because my life fell into chaos). It was then I was "plucked" by someone who works for another affiliate marketing thing called Exitus Elite. I took the G250 package and I learned how to boost Facebook algorithms and I can still use it till the end of May 2021, by then I will highly likely not renew my subscription. The problem wasn't that I felt that I was tricked into joining a pyramid scheme, although I can certainly believe that. The thing is I've spoken to quite a few entrepreneurs who say that it's worked very well for them. My mentor on the other hand didn't give me a clear path, just to do what's needed to boost Facebook algorithms and to speak to at least 20 people, then try to pitch them Exitus Elite. It didn't work out because I didn't know what to do with objections and when asked about what it is. I was told to just link up with my mentor and to see if he can do the talking. He didn't succeed in getting anyone recruited in my name. Now he's apparently gone off to some other venture and hasn't posted anything in Facebook for weeks

Since then I've bounced all over the place looking at various webinar training videos and as much as I want to say I've learned a few things on these webinars that were free and that I've written them down, I found that putting them into practice is difficult due to so much crap in my head. Either way, I think the biggest problem I'm struggling with is the commitment to any program that promises to help me make money online through a social media platform. My keeps telling me that I can't afford it, even though I've got thousands of pounds in my bank account. Part of me knows it's part of a Student Loan and if I get a five-figure job, I'll have to pay it back, IMO, I need to sort out something to help pay it back sooner, rather then later. and it doesn't help that I feel like I haven't got the right equipment. Maybe I also need a coach in the world of business?

It also doesn't help that I keep thinking about my parents who keep saying "No" to any business opportunity. My Mum is very much convinced that those who are rich will lie to their students to get rich on the backs of people like me. Some of the entrepreneurs say that they would like nothing more than for me to succeed in doing a business opportunity. Which is interesting that the most recent one I saw was offering a money-back guarantee should it not work out for me if I invested into it that day. I didn't in part because I was worried about my parents thinking they will have to freeze my accounts if I do any more investing in any business ventures. Mum tells me to wait until you finish your Environmental Science course, get a well-paid job, and then try out a business venture.

I'm constantly told by a lot of people that going to Greenwich University is a very important opportunity that many would strive for. I've also learned that they host many social events and among them, I heard were gaming clubs. All the more reason I want to stay at the University. I just keep thinking about trying to earn some money on the side. Part of me thinks it should be through social media and another part wants me to find another job as well as the one I'm currently using, which is an office cleaning job. I know I can't live on that job alone. The Flat's expenses are just too high for it. I just hope that Claire can give me another office and/or I find another job or something. I'm not against working night shifts. I definitely need to wait and see if I can cope with the workload and the requirements the University demands out of me.

I remember one of them called Brad, telling me to stick to one thing and laser focus on it. So what do I want to laser focus on? I think I would like to do Youtube and then use Facebook as well. I also get sidetracked by other things and I need to cast them aside as best as I can.

Part of me wants to start by doing let's plays and walkthroughs of the games in my collection. I have hundreds of games and It would be stupid not to do some kind of playthrough, but I believe, rightly or wrongly that I need the right equipment to do it, I have, so far, an Elgato device that can be used for my Xbox. I think I need a laptop for it though. We are in the planning stages but I find listening very hard for me. I want the right laptop for the job. I also think I need a camera of some kind to record the games and a microphone to be heard on the channel.

I also want to do vlogs about myself and my autism. There's no shortage of videos of my childhood on VHS cassettes and Dad and I are going through them with the intention of creating a couple of DVDs. I on the other hand want to make them into a project that could also be uploaded into Youtube into some deep meaning about how Coronavirus has affected me. But I think my mindset is hampering whatever progress I'm trying to achieve. I keep thinking I need to make money and I'm sure any entrepreneur would tell you that's fatal thinking. I just need to know how to change that.

What doesn't help is that say I join a business venture online or in Greenwich University out of that contest that is being hosted and will likely end by November. Say I managed to make a lot of money out of that venture and I managed to succeed in getting a return of my investment, what then? I'm worried about how the government would respond if I managed to make quite a bit of money. I feel like they're also watching over me and they probably have more power than my parents. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this quote"

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million."

Say I do succeed and in the future earn a six-figure income, be it business or a job that I work 9-5, what would I do with the money? I'd rather donate it to charity, in particular environmental causes. I think that also doesn't help me with my path either. It's tragic.

University has a business opportunity? Mum says no.

I meant to post this earlier but I got sidetracked. Last night (Thursday to be precise), I saw an email from my University email account offering a contest for students to pitch their business opportunity to people who understand how to run a business with a £4,000 grant at stake. The deadline is at the end of November, as I recall. I told my Mum about this and she wasn't enthusiastic about it, to say the least.

My mother has repeatedly told me that I'm not in a proper state of mind to run a business of any kind. We have had about a half an hour argument.

I don't want to jump onto the contest right away, I think I need connections and the right people to speak to about my concepts and how they would set the business up.

My current business idea involves substituting the plastic that we use every day into a biodegradable packing material that when discarded can break down naturally and/or is worm food for soil quality. This is based on the fact I've been litter picking for over 5 years and I have found it annoying how much junk is plastic that's been discarded without a care in the world.

Failing that as I come to think of it. I was told there's no video game club in Ashford. Would be nice to have one...

My university and my Gmail account.

Yesterday, I was told I didn't need to go to the Campus for the rest of the week and I thought this was a warm-up induction to the University and the real learning starts next week. Combine this with no events happening today, I thought I could relax, go walking the dogs with my carer coming tomorrow and spend some time with my parents.

Turns out not to be the case, my carer coming today was less than enthusiastic about what I like to do with the carers, and that included walking the dogs. What was worse was that my parents still had not sorted out their washing machine problem that started a couple of weeks ago when a mouse chewed up one of the cables and caused the entire system to go haywire. After three visits from the electrician/plumber, it was decided the washing machine was a lost cause and my parents would have to get another one. That meant more washing up at my house to do and I hate my washing machine.

Worse was that there were online lectures that came out of nowhere and I missed them. All because they weren't there yesterday. What's worse was that Mum caught me looking at affiliate marketing stuff on Facebook again and she was livid, to say the least. How can I adjust to the university when I'm focusing on affiliate marketing stuff on Facebook. This is why I don't want to study at home. When I get my laptop and such I need to be in the Libary or something because this is seriously making it hard on myself.

On a more personal level, my Gmail account was recording over half my space used up and I didn't understand how. I then took the difficult choice of deleting my promotional tab of over 90% of its emails as that was the bulk of my Gmail content. Turns out my Gmail account has been storing photos from my past dating back 2015. So I now need to go over which photos to remove and which ones to keep.

My first day in University and my thoughts.

So today I went to Greenwich University at Medway Campus for the first time, on my own. My course is Environmental Science as I want to make changes to systems to become more environmentally stable to help with various problems we are causing to the environment. I made my video on Facebook about it and got quite a few comments and likes. Along the journey, a friend of mine who works for the government called me and said he'll be here if I need any help.

After a visit to a petrol station to get fuel, I managed to arrive to find the Campus to be all but void of energy. There weren't many people around and when I parked my car, forgetting to pay for parking but getting it resolved, thankfully. I ended up wandering around the place, not knowing where to go, despite asking a couple of staff members.

It turns out to be a warm-up week, and it turns out that many lectures are to take place online. I managed to a look around in the Library with my card, but without someone to help me to find out what to do, I just spent the majority walking around the campus. I managed to get another bag to take home. This "Goodies" bag has a couple of pens, a reusable coffee cup, a face mask, and some kind of circle thing I don't really understand its function.

I was told that it was an induction day and therefore I could go home. I have been contemplating now on whether I should've gotten accommodation at the Campus but my parents insist that I did the right thing by not doing so. There was supposed to be a movie night event at the campus, according to the website, but with the new regulations of social distancing being placed by the government, I wouldn't have thought staying was going to be worth it, nor going back there to check it out. I would prefer to get in touch with the community. To that end, I need to write an email to someone who can give me the Whatsapp groups. I did contemplate having lunch at the campus restaurant called The Deep End and they had an app for me to download so I could see the menu. Unfortunately, the app wasn't working and so I decided not to eat there and head home instead.

When I got home I did find a lecture on something called a Moodle. An educational online program designed to help you create content online, linking Youtube Videos and how to produce instructions on the internet. After going through the course of how the Moodle works, I was given two tests and I finished them with all questions answered correctly. I'm sure I can rewatch the videos at any time. In any case, I was to be rewarded a badge for it, but I can't seem to and it won't show up on my profile. During that lecture, I saw plenty of profiles in forum boards but I could only see the names of them and that's it. There is a way to search by putting the first letter of your forename and your surname and when I tried it with my name, I'm the only one who's got my name, curious.

I did make some small chat with a couple of students but I'm hoping that more social events will give me the opportunity to make new friends.

My university starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning is the first day of my University course. I'm doing an environmental science course as I'm very concerned about the environment as I believe everyone else should be.

This is at a time where I am most needed to help with the world and I hope to make a difference to people who need it most.

For the last few months what I've been trying to do is start some kind of business opportunity online. The last few months haven't been good. I have lost a bit of money in a failed strategy and it doesn't help that my mentor who was supposed to help me with the business has abandoned me.

Since then I went through what many entrepreneurs would call "Shiny Object Syndrome". In other words, I have no clarity and no structure in place to run a successful online. I had hoped to make money online through Affiliate marketing and my head doesn't want to give up in finding something I can do to help me achieve financial independence. My parents say that this course will help me land a 5 figure job. I hope so and then I could help with the environment. That's kinda what I want to do with the world.

Unfortunately, with the university tomorrow, I have no choice but to put a business venture in the back seat for who knows how long. I've gone through too much in my life and will need time to adjust. I hope I can find the right people at the university and I hope that one day. I'll no longer worry about being helpless and in fact, can make an impact on the environment. I'll be posting more content here and I'll make sure I report on what I've learn't here.

September 11th, and the 20 year history of my Au pair and an update on my DSA.

I kinda know that this is a little late given the circumstances. But better late than never.

Today is the birthday is my Au pair, whose job back then was to look after me when I got back from school. He would often have a chicken pie ready for me. A store-bought chicken pie, mind you but a chicken pie, nonetheless.

He spent so many years with us. He helped with manual labor as he was very strong and he helped us when we were raising pigs. He was always kind and patient with me, despite my autism. He and his twin brother learned much of our culture and could speak and write English like a second language. 

My parents took me to his home country in Czech Republic, we had a lovely time there. He's now married with a couple of kids so he's moved up in the world and I think I'm overdue for a reunion.

It's a shame that his birthday September 11th. The same day that the twin towers were destroyed by those planes. I remember staring at the tragedy on TV and having such switching channels constantly to see if I was dreaming. It still affects us to this day. I've seen many reactions to 9/11, much of it was asking "why?". I'm no stranger to all the conspiracy theories in relation to 9/11 and in it seems to be part of our culture nowadays to make references to 9/11. I remember the BBC or I think it was doing a documentary of all the inconsistencies that were talked about with 9/11.

As for my university course. My parents have finally got a report on my DSA eligibility and the results were shocking. I will have access to over nearly £10K! I will even have access to special equipment in relation to my autism and my mental conditions. One such piece of equipment is a Dragon microphone, designed to write what I speak into the microphone, first time I saw it was when I was with a member of Kent Supportive Employment, or when it used to be called that. I liked it as I always speak a lot, even when I'm alone in my home. If nothing else, it can help me with my blogging. I was told the first few months will not be easy, not the least of the reasons being that its been 10 years since I took an education.

As for my desire to build an online business, it will have to be put on the back seat, no ifs, ands, or buts. I plan to explain more about my feelings in a future post. I promise.

I'm overwhelmed by my addictive but seriously flawed mindset on making money.

I never told anyone this myself but my mind is addicted to learning how to make money online, without taking the necessary actions to do so.

If there's one thing I'm told over and over again by my parents is that I'm not capable of selling anything, managing overheads. I'm scared of investing money into a business or opportunity of any kind. This is in no small part of me going to university and I'm told that it's going to take almost my entire mental energy just to study and to graduate. But my biggest reason is that I'm still under my parents' care.

I'm an autistic person who can't sit still or listen easily. For example, when I had someone spoke to me and my mum a couple days ago at an environmental agency about recycling and how I wanted to see if it's an opportunity to make money out of clearing up rubbish as we have that all over England and I'm passionate about clearing it all up, but I've only been doing it voluntarily and I wanted to see if it's possible to make a side hustle, for lack of a better phrase. But I couldn't help but get out my phone and look up some of the things he talked about without properly listening to him, afterwards I wanted to share with him my favorite search engine called Ecosia.

If you don't know what Ecosia is, it's a search engine that's designed to plant trees using advertising revenue from various companies to fund reforestation projects all around the world. It's managed to reach over 100 million trees in recent months. I still raise awareness of Ecosia as I believe that the more people who use Ecosia, the more trees are planted. It's free to use and available to use wherever and whenever you are.

www.ecosia.org

I did it again when browsing for a laptop and I ended up wandering around looking at other computers. It probably doesn't help that I'm used to my Mum doing a lot of things for me as all the complex details can sometimes fly over me. I have suggested that I need to take a notepad with me and write all that I hear down in future occurrences. It could help a lot, I'm sure.

What I'm struggling with, however, is my addiction to learning how to make money from home. Yesterday, I watched no less than three webinars, two of which offered their courses and mastership programs, promising massive returns but were priced in thousands of dollars, both of which I feel like I can't afford to. The first was a masterclass designed to help your spirituality, the second was about making money from blogging and creating digital products that affiliates would then start selling for you. The reasons I didn't commit do include money but I swear it's not just that. It ranges from the university to my parents and my nephew telling me I'm simply not entrepreneur material and my history of trying to run a business does support their beliefs. There's also the problem of me wanting to do things months, if not years ago, and not fully pursuing it, such as a Youtube Channel, why should I just buy stuff when I've got things I want to do but haven't done them? Not to mention that I've lost count on how many people tell me that going to University is a wonderful opportunity. I believe it is, but I'm worried about how Covid-19 has impacted the potential to be with like-minded people as I find that most of my courses are online and that I'm not good at working from home. My parents have offered me one of their spare bedrooms and that I can sleep there and stay for studying. Perhaps I should also stay in a library to study as well.

Why do I want to earn money online? It's obviously because I want to be able to survive on my own. I also want to buy things online but I struggle to maintain my finances, I'm not good at thinking whether It's for me. I have spoken to a lot of entrepreneurs online who do affiliate marketing and they make a lot of money through their methods. They commented on how they either lost everything or were in a very seriously bad place or that they hated their jobs and managed to create a business and had quit their jobs. Some did say that their previous job wasn't all that bad, but I digress, they managed to get themselves up the ladder.

Ultimately I did write down a list of things to do this month and I intend to finish them. I think If I don't do that, then I'm going to struggle with my life and I'll sooner or later go to my death bed with sorrow and regret, which as I understand is what a lot of people do so.

One of the strangest ironies as a litter picker.

If my Facebook posts are anything, I take great pride in being a litter picker. I've been doing it for years and on a good day, I can fill up to 8 bags! Cans, bottles, packets, cartons, cigarette buts, I find them all and they go into the bin.

I take pride in getting rid of all the rubbish I find and I stop at nothing to make sure it's all tidy at the places I go to. I've been to football tournaments, car parks, motor ways, rivers, fields and woodlands. I even clean up the litter near where I live and it used to be filthy and full of rubbish.

My hard work in clearing up the litter has definitely yielded results. I've been awarded a medal and trophy from my football club for my hard work and dedication, been placed in news articles showcasing my efforts and was even given "Villager of the Year", along with my parents, which was a first I've heard of a whole family been awarded this title.

But I have a bad secret that showcases a serious irony about myself and that's I'm a slob in my own home. I can't get myself to make my bed after I get up, wash up the dishes myself after eating lunch or dinner, can be barely persuaded to vacuum the floor. I don't even take 5 minutes to pick up my dirty socks and underwear. I just don't understand why I am like this at home. I often need someone else to tidy up my home and that is just plain crazy. Some of my closest friends who know off my efforts comment on my laziness at home.