I had a horrible argument with my parents again.

Last night was a seriously horrible experience.

Earlier in my blog, September 19th to be precise, my university was offering an enterprise challenge where I could pitch an idea that could develop into a business and/or social enterprise. I brainstormed a new idea and wanted to pursue it. I don't want to go into details about the idea, only to say that I believe that I spotted a gap in the market of something lots of people do everyday to relieve stress.

I started filling in the idea and I was told to do a YouTube video which will explain my idea and how I would structure it with a timeframe of two minutes. Off course my idea is all theories and concepts. I would need to script the video and write a mind map to frame it.

Unfortunately, my parents were less then enthusiastic about the idea and they wanted me to stop. They wanted to list all the past experiences I had in terms of trying to make money in past and failed, not to mention that I was already putting too much onto myself and not focusing enough on my university course with my Dad screaming at me, because we had this issue over and over again.

I wasn't having it and I slammed the door. My parents told me to go back to my flat. I didn't want to and we were very angry with each other and I left the house without my keys to the flat or my phone. I didn't even go back to my flat, instead I went elsewhere and I even contemplated death trying to find the words to explain myself. I lied down under a tree in pitch black night under heavy rain for at least two hours. I didn't want to go back to them, I didn't want to feel like I'm not listened to. I find it so hard to feel like my confidence falters to the point that people reject me. I eventually did return to my parents' home to find a note on the door. It was them asking me to call me back. We love you. I did and I was screaming and crying. My next door neighbour wanted to know what was happening.

My mother was very upset, she was worried that she lost me. I would feel the same, I'm sure. This wasn't the first time I contemplated running away, I did walk up a farm field ruining a pair of shoes in the process because I argued with her, saying she was holding me back with her pessimism that she likes to say is realism, I wasn't convinced that she understands the distinctions. I did return that day and we know how hard it is to come to terms with our past, but we did. I somehow remind myself of a Pingu episode where Pingu runs away. His parents would eventually look for him and get him back home.

https://pingu.fandom.com/wiki/Pingu_Runs_Away#:~:text=Pingu%20Runs%20Away%20%28also%20known%20as%20Pingu%20Runs,refuses%20and%20splatters%20it%20all%20over%20her%20chest.

I still think our positions on this enterprise are still standing, but we agree that we both need help. Like we need another doctor appointment, I don't want to be prescribed another medication, the last time that happened was when I was convinced that humanity would be extinct from climate change by 2030. I didn't make this up, I'm not subscribing to that belief anymore but I do bare the weight of various environmental problems on my shoulders. I don't want to wait until my course is complete, nor do I want to give up on the idea of something that can help me with my financial wellbeing or perusing an idea that might be something no one has thought of before. When I was doing some writing, I actually went out of my way to conceptualise characters with unique traits and abilities. In the case of the enterprise challenge, I don't want to have my idea developed by someone else who managed to conjure up the idea and develop it without me.

I know that my parents want to help me, I'm not disputing that. I just feel like I'm inside a loop of struggles to keep myself holding together. Not helped by the fact my friend from Nigeria is in such a dire situation.

I didn't talk about this before but my friend in Nigeria, who is a real person I assure you, suffered a flood several weeks ago and her home was ruined. I had hoped that we wouldn't need to support her financially, but her daughter is now ill so in the end we did decide to send her money. So far it's a trial to make sure she would receive it without incident, we tried Western Union, but her bank rejected the money for reasons we don't know. So we tried World Remet, and it's worked, and we tried to send her another payment but that's not worked, I hope the issue is resolved soon.

First day of November and I feel like I'm hell.

Today's the first day of November and already I feel like I am about to descend into hell.

Yesterday I tried to support my friend in Nigeria who's suffered a massive flood and her son has injured himself in a fall and was purple all over with a serious cut on the head. (I actually thought he was beaten up by someone horrible, that's how serious the injury is). I hoped to send some money to her through Western Union but her bank rejected the request. I haven't returned to the shop to refund my money as I wanted her to check with her bank first, in case any other attempt to send her money is rejected.

In case anyone is wondering, no, this isn't a scam. I've been video chatting with her for years and she has shown her face, clear as day. I just want to make it clear. I've learn't some hard lessons and I'm not stupid.

As for what's happened, Boris Johnson has announced a massive national lockdown, starting on Thursday. Even my parents are somewhat concerned about the situation. They maintain that it's going to be alright, I don't need money, but I don't know. I just feel like soon, we will all need to pull our weight, my nephew included, if we are to hold onto any property and keep ourselves confidently afloat. How? Well, we will burn that bridge if we cross it.

Recently my local town has advertised a job involving a street cleaner, in other words, a litter picking job that's just a walk around town and it's part-time. If I get it, I can still hold onto my benefits and I can earn some extra money. That's if I get it. Failing that, I don't know what to do. The job at my local surgery has had two developments, one, there's not as much litter as before because I did such a great job filling up 4 bags, and two, they haven't paid me, yet. This job is in writing, so they can't excuse themselves for not paying. If only I could get another car park or institute to hire me to clean up the rubbish around their premises. I would gladly help.

Yesterday I heard that Super Affiliate Accelerator,  a program that promises to help you establish a 6 figure business is closing its $50 sale mid November. I could purchase it, but I can't, no small part is that if I did I would mentally overwhelm myself as University is taking up so much of my mental energy. It doesn't help that I need someone to check my work repeatedly to make sure I'm not making really stupid mistakes. Recently I took a moodle quiz and my results, to me, were unsatisfactory. I was expected to barely pass, but to my surprise I got more points than I expected but I was still not really happy with the results. I need to do better. Those moodle quizzes are vital to my final grade. I need to find a way to redo my notes so that I'm not taking it down word for word.

I also need to make a poster before December 10th. The subject I've chosen is deforestation and how we can mitigate it.

My dilema about making money online, my univeristy and my life.

Recently Super Affiliate Accelerated has announced that they are dropping the price of their start-up system of running an affiliate marketing business to $50, compared to what was it again? $2,000? $1,500? It's a bit fuzzy on the former cost, but the bottom line is that they are offering whoever joins to get new their MOCA blueprint, MOCA is the abbreviation for Mindset, Offer, Conversion, Audience.

They offer blueprints, lectures, strategies and one to one mentorships to help set people up to create a 6 figure online business with products that can generate evergreen leads and constant flow of content and clients so that you're not wasting time asking every Tom, Dick and Sally on the internet. Instead they have systems that help you find people that will buy the products on a frequent basis. They claim no upselling, no hidden fees and they will offer a full refund if it doesn't work out. Something Exitus Elite didn't offer when I joined their system.

However, many people who do stuff online though seem to do Successful Solutions Method. Including a few I've spoken to via live video chat. What do you do? You do online jobs for at least an hour and you get paid to do it. You don't have to recruit or sell, although I suspect you earn a lot more if you do. The entry is $125, for the lowest level, which includes an admin fee, not sure what that means exactly but I assume there's a certain fee, with SSM monthly? annual? I don't know, but the highest is $2,000. It seems to be all over Facebook with those who join show earnings from $50 to $1,000. I just can't join their webinars due to them taking part at midnight, where I am. A lot online webinars seem to take part very late at night for that matter. To be fair, I think they do replays on YouTube.

Myonline Startup still holds onto their lifetime offer of being a partner for life, for how long, I don't know. Once that offer expires, it's a monthly cost to new partners. The cost to join is $197 altogether, but there's also a VAT surcharge, making it just over £200 on my side, that figures. To become a lifetime partner and one where I would get people to join Myonline Startup and if the people I recruit make a lot of money on clickbank and/or wealthy affiliate or what have you, I make a lot of money as well. Watching the days pass me by leaves me very anxious. I sometimes don't know whether I should try just one, buy them all or do nothing. Why? Each of them such interesting prospects and the reviews check out in terms of whether they're worth joining. For what it's worth, I hate the hesitation.

My mind keeps thinking of various factors, not the least of which are my parents. They want me to wait for a couple more weeks as I have tutors for my university course. There is a lot of things that are going to be used to help my university course but they are going to take up a lot of my time. Other factors are the products such as what products do you sell?, my mindset, my lack of clarity or clients and my autism. Yes, I said that I have autism. I have some mental challenges to myself, but don't we all have that in our lives?

More importantly, what is my niche? What do I like doing and can I turn that into some affiliate strategy? I love video games, and I remember seeing some gaming affiliate links, I've also seen players get thousands of likes and comments on their game streams, so it's possible for gaming to be my niche, but I'm no professional and I probably need years to master the games. That and I don't have the right recording equipment or technology.

I like to learn how to cook but I can only motivate myself to cook if I'm feeding someone else, like my parents. If I'm home alone, I'd rather pop a pie and chips in the oven. I love to watch chefs cook food and I do entertain the idea of trying the recipes and I do take pictures of food at every pub and restaurant I go to. My phone is clogged with pictures of food that I took over the years. I wonder if that's affiliate marketing of some kind?

I enjoy looking up stuff to help the environment as I'm a firm believer of Global Warming. I do a lot of litter picking but I doubt this would be part of an affiliate marketing strategy. The only thing I've been promoting in terms of environmental ideas is Ecosia, a search engine that plant trees with it's advertising revenue. I've been raising awareness of it for years, mostly face to face, but with the coronavirus, I have been raising awareness of it online.

I know that taking on too many products is a seriously bad idea, I speak of experience. I'm sure many entrepreneurs know what Shiny Object Syndrome is like. I'm told to stick to one platform and master it in say, six months.

I've currently got a few things that are free to join and can make a bit of money online but whether they offer financial freedom is simply juries out on them. What doesn't help is the fact that how do you recruit people to join them? Lots of entrepreneurs want to pitch their own ideas instead of giving my products a try, and they promise me good fortune on their pitches but they want me to pay for them. I don't think I'm ready for that.

The problem has not necessarily been the money, although there is a legitimate concern. Financially wise, I'm basically holding on with my benefits covering the cost of my flat, along with a weekend job and my parents are quite well off. My parents have long invested into some estate agency stuff and property business and their pension is invested into the stock market. When they go, I'm inheriting all the money earned out of it. My parents have actually ran a successful business, long before I was born before they decided to go back to the 9-5 jobs. I find it amusing that entrepreneurs comment of hating their 9-5 jobs and became entrepreneurs to escape that fate. My parents are likely to be the other way around.

Say I join at least one of these and I manage to make a lot of money without emotionally breaking down. My parents will say that my benefits will be lost and I may have to pay for the things myself that my benefits have covered and I'll have to go through the micromanagement of taxes and such. I've relied on my parents to handle the details, paperwork and phone calls as I find the whole thing a nightmare. I hate dealing with handling the programs and such. It was a time consuming aggravation to get my software sorted and making sure that there's no problems with the equipment I was given.

Does that mean I may have to let go of a few things? Almost certainly. I can't imagine myself being the same in say 5 years time. Regardless of my choices in the future.

Mac book buggered up but now it's working again

 My Macbook suffered a fatal error that prevented me from logging into my account. I was, naturally, upset as I feared that my content would all be lost.

The good news was that my electrician managed to get it repaired and it's all good again. That's a relief. Last weekend has been very busy. I've been litter picking and I managed to arrange a contract to get me paid to do so. Hurray! I did the first day. Let's hope it gets better on the way.

Tonight I watched Black Panther at University, with fish and chips. But I couldn't watch it until the end because things shut at 8:00pm. That's a bummer. On the plus side, I've made new friends.

The busy weekend of Football, Quiz Market and the Zoo

After another football game, I stayed behind to do the litter again. 6 bags. Nothing special, except I still had to do the office. and I managed to get it done before dinner. After dinner was the university STAART Quiz. I submitted over 10 questions in regards to recycling and they choose 5. I got them all right, off course but I only got 20 of the 40 quesions right altogether and I couldn't be heard, for some reason. I landed in 4th place, first prize would've been a £20 Amazon gift card. Oh well, at they loved my Dad's cat.

Sunday was a shaky start. I wanted to go to the market at Lenham, but before I did that I thought I needed some money from my ATM and it wasn't processing. My bank card surely hasn't expired yet. If it has, I haven't recieved my replacement card, yet. My dad gave me £25 and I bought some Strawberry and mint jam, some apple juice, some sour dough bread, a pizza and some honey lollypops. I felt I struggled with choice and I didn't feel like I had much time to spend there.

I should've brought some vegetables as the STAART group arranged a visit to the Fenn Bell Inn conservation project. It's a zoo, however you want to look at it. It is a zoo. I like to believe that Zoos can be a good conservation project but they also can be pretty horrible if maintained poorly.

Nonetheless it was a fun time and I managed to see some animals. I did some recording with my phone, then for lunch I had a roast turkey dinner wrap. It was nice. I think my photo wasn't a good one. Oh well. Lastly I made a video of myself tasting the Strawberry and mint jam, it's quite nice.

My desire to try affiliate marketing again, conflicts with my parents' concerns about University. That and I struggle to catch up. (WIP)

 This Monday wasn't a pleasent experience. I wanted to make a Cow Pie as it was called on a recipe that I got for free from someone decluttering thier home. I was supposed to leave the beef in a beer overnight and I did just that.

Unfortunately I was supposed to be in a lecture on Monday and the progress went south as I wasn't being supervised and I lost track of time. This resulted in me missing out on a lecture and I was really upset. It didn't help that I wanted to do this pie for a family friend who has been with us for years and I wanted to showcase my cooking for her. This didn't happen sadly, as she wasn't feeling well and decided to leave.

But the real honest low point was confessing my desire to join an affiliate marketing idea again. In this case, it's called My Online Startup. My parents and I have had this discussion countless times. It really is tiring that I want to try again but I kinda want to do it with the support of my parents and it's anything but. It was during dinner I meltdowned and screamed and cried, I will not explain the snapping point. It was unpleasent, to say the least. It makes me feel like I should've never joined Exitus Elite. 

I want to keep telling myself that it was because my mentor for that program just didn't give me the right stuff to use and didn't help me take advantage of what Exitus Elite could offer me, because there are a lot of people who do say that through Exitus Elite that they were successful. But my parents are firmly in the belief, rightly or wrongly, that it was a pyramid scheme, and they believe that all affiliate marketing schemes are pyramid schemes. I'm told that I'm too honest, that I would have a crisis of conscious if I try to persuade people to join say Exitus Elite, or My Online Startup or any other program for the record.

What is My Online Startup? Well it's a training program, created by Chuck Nguyen designed to teach you how to run a successful online business through affiliate marketing for whatever niche you want, and it tells you all the basics and what it is and what is isn't. I have looked deeply into affiliate marketing and I know that what it is that you advertise someone else's products or services and if people sign up or purchase the products, you get a commission. Chuck offers a partner program to recruit you into his membership where you get to meet the others and become an official member. If you sign people up to My Online Startup you get a commission.

To start My Online Startup you will need a Clickbank account, which is a real company that specialises in affiliate products. As I live in the UK, I can be a partner, no problem. To become a partner it costs $197, which is £163. Doesn't seem so expensive but it will also have a VAT cost to it raising it to over £200. Figures. The good news is that there should be no recurring cost and there is a refund policy for the program, so if I join and in 25 days, I make no money then I can get my money back. Not many courses offer this and I'm told over and over again that many courses are very expensive and my experience does confirm my concerns, although there are cheaper ones for various platforms, but I digress. Exitus Elite didn't offer a refund policy and it's Terms and Conditions made that clear.

My Online Startup has currently 8 modules to train you, ranging from your mindset to lead generating to Youtube marketing and so on. 50 lessons. It also has books to recommend to read and it offers 50+ income streams, according to Chuck Nyongen. How? If I join and become a lifetime partner, I can then share the course to various people online and if one signs up, I get a commission, that person decides to become a partner, I get a commission and any tools and/or software he purchases, I also get a commission. There maybe more ways, such as my own involvement with the programmes Chuck recommends such as Wealthy Affiliate and Clickbank but I can't go into detail, all I know is that Chuck claims there's a significant amount of money to be made once I become a member.

What's happening is that his lifetime opportunity, the $197 is going to end soon. It will be replaced with a $7 a week, to ultimately an annual cost which is around a couple hundred, as I recall watching his video. How long his $197 is going to be up for, I don't know. Either way the feeling I get is that if I join I would probably need to get at least three more people to become a partner to get a return on investment. This was never designed to be a get rich quick scheme, nor did I expect it to.

But my parents and my friends keep telling me that isn't my calling. If it isn't what is? What is my niche? What can I do to make money online? Am I ready to earn money online? If I do earn money online, what happens?

Football, rain, rain and my mind boggles

 Over the last few days it's been raining heavily and apparently it's not just here. France and Italy suffered significant rainfall costing the lives a few people.

https://news.sky.com/story/storm-alex-venice-braced-for-flooding-after-heavy-rain-and-winds-batter-southeast-france-12088604

I've been playing football as normal for Saturday, despite the weather conditions. Attendence was low, as I'm sure it would be when its raining. But what I did was go too far in my desire to clean up the area and now my football manager wants me to do litterpicking after the football. I guess I have to get there early and make sure I get a bit of a start, or maybe I'll get into more trouble for what it's worth. The rain made me do less litter picking either way. I filled up a couple of bags.

Mum's old car was actually still being used! I'm surprised, I thought it would've been scraped for parts or something, given it's history. Instead it's still being used. The owner didn't want me to take a picture of it. Oh well.

I feel like I should juggle what I want to do with more care. I need to write down a list of things I want to do before November and I haven't done it yet. I'm hoping to have another talk with my Mum tomorrow about what I feel like is necessary. Unfortunately, all I can do is just wait. I don't want to wait, I want to take action to my desires. A Youtube Channel, not necessarily a business. Still, I just feel like I need to work hard to get what I need. Especially, since Christmas is coming!

New month, end of the life of a bird

On the last day of September, after doing some stuff at my parents home, I found a bird, (A pidgeon, I believe) that was in bad shape.

Upon closer inspection, I saw this lump on the bird's head. I was told it was a bird tick and I don't think they are the contributing factor to a bird's declining health.

I knew he wasn't going to live, so I wrapped up the bird in a shirt and. Maybe I made his last few hours comfortable...

When I woke up in the morning, as I expected he was motionless and in the end I left his body out in the garden for nature to take him away.

A movie, football, garbage, business emails, the list goes on!

I know I haven't been updating as much as I should.

On Thursday evening I accepted the invitation for an outside film experience, only it was raining all, so it was inside instead. The film in question was IT, the 2017 version. It was scary that's for sure. I also got a phone number from another student. One down, hundreds to go. They spoke about various events that I could attend and all I need is £10 for the year for admission. That's good.

I spent Friday morning at the Coffee Morning and thankfully I didn't have to pay the parking, to my surprise. It was also the last day for the opening festival for new students and I managed to get into the last session on my laptop and got to speak to a few staff members but my parents also made a chilli con carne and to my disappointment, my nephew wasn't going to come over this weekend. On the other side I called my psychiatrist and told her about my email to the surgery to get it cleared up. I was hoping for the manager to get in touch with me, but I haven't made it clear that I would like to be paid to clear up the car park. I wanted to call her before I go back home but I ended up watching a comedy crime film and it was very funny, especially with British wit.

Saturday morning my football club manager wanted me to help bring some stuff over to the park, again. I don't mind as long as I get to help. After the football, and returning the goods back to her home, I returned to the park to clear up the rubbish there. Once again I went overboard and I ended up going on and on until it was late afternoon. I filled bag after bag of rubbish, not to mention finding heavy stuff to take to the bin to be collected. I kinda wish I could be paid to do it. It would make it far more rewarding, I'm sure and there's no shortage of people who probably concur with that.

All this while my email account is filled with business opportunites and I feel like I would be considered an idiot not to take the offers. But I can't, partly because of my University and I haven't got all my stuff in order, such as my laptop taking too long. But mostly because its my parents still in my head. I know that I need to give the university a chance. But my defences are weakening...

There are times I hate my life. I know that my life is probably paradise compared to others, but I need something that I need to do something that makes me happy. Guess pre-ordering another game from Amazon will make me feel better.

Today, last night and my increasing concern of university.

Last night the STAART group was invited for a dinner at the University's dining establishment, The Deep end. Only I was the only one who came and stayed till the end. I usually like to be bang on time, but I was a few minutes late. Not that it mattered, mind you. Only one other student came and he only stayed for 10 minutes, tops.

I had a mac and cheese for dinner, while the group leader decided to have a burger with fries and a salad. I did quite a few small talk about my concerns. She is adamant that I don't start anything about making money until next year. I hate to think that, but I know that I would risk being overwhelmed by trying to get involved in trying to run a business. It doesn't help that I'm conflicted. I also told them about my project of getting my past home made videos into a DVD thing that I would like to upload onto Youtube.

She does say that after my first year I may contemplate taking another course instead of Environmental science. I wanted to finish my course because I wanted to have some leverage in making a way to help improve companies to help their environmental footprint, not just for Carbon Dioxide but their plastic pollution.

On the subject of the environment, I talked about Ecosia, the search engine that plants trees. They suggest that I write an article about Ecosia in the magazine for STAART. Sometimes these get downloaded a few hundred times. Maybe with a bit of a boost in attention, some students will download the app onto their smartphones and more traffic to Ecosia means more trees.

Today I was given the impression that I had to make a choice, watch a webinar about laws and how to help the UK and the EU, among other countries, with which to help boost the environmental policies in agriculture. A tall order, IMO. I think the Agriculture industry is corrupt and difficult to reform.

The other choice was to watch a webinar about how to run a successful business with a woman who worked at Greenwich university. She's managed to help empower women into making money through various means. Most of the entrepreneurs I met usually did affiliate marketing.

The honest truth was that it turned out I could do both, the former was prerecorded, so I decided to watch the business one. They're still offering that contest but I think I need to connect with someone with entrepreneurial before I start anything. That is, of course, if I can muster up the courage to do so. I have a couple of concepts in mind but I know that it means making some very tough decisions. Do I want to continue the course if I can't, or can I just work alongside an experienced entrepreneur as a business partner?

Afterwards I watched the environmental seminar and the man in question explains in great detail about the problems involving laws being passed, partly because of interpretation and cultural differences. But mostly because of anti-sediment from other parties, including, but not limited to those who are in the pocket of agriculture companies.

My weird dream and more of my past.

 Last night I had a strange dream about a nuclear explosion happening in an ocean and me and my Dad got to witness it. 

I then woke up early to find myself in significant anxiety. I have had quite a few days where I feel absolutely terrified but of what I don't know. Maybe climate change and my feeling of helplessness about it? My concerns about University? My interest in running an online business?

I just hope I can that I can do something about my predicament. I'm still thinking about my Youtube Channel, but I need to find the right equipment and I need to get to practice with what I need.

I was hoping to do more litter picking today but the Wombles have canceled the event because of Covid-19 restrictions. Much to my absolute disappointment. Oh well, I've emailed to someone some advice on how to do a Youtube channel. I'm still hoping to get something done before October.

I cooked dinner which was venison sausages, with mashed potato mixed with spring onions, broccolini, and cheese. Although it was fine, I'm not fully satisfied with how it turned out.

Lastly, my parents found some more home video footage of myself at the age of three years. This included my third Christmas. Something to think about posting when the time comes. I still feel nostalgia and it's making me cry. I'm such a softie. That does concern me since entrepreneurship can be ruthless. I'll talk about my feelings on it another time.

My feelings, my conflict and my struggle. Am I entrepreneurship material or what?

Since I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I've felt my world collapse. I thought all these months I was just being furloughed until my boss made it clear I'm not coming back to work and he was also distraught.

When I lost my job I stumbled onto Legion, an affiliate marketing business structure (that I've been blacklisted now because my life fell into chaos). It was then I was "plucked" by someone who works for another affiliate marketing thing called Exitus Elite. I took the G250 package and I learned how to boost Facebook algorithms and I can still use it till the end of May 2021, by then I will highly likely not renew my subscription. The problem wasn't that I felt that I was tricked into joining a pyramid scheme, although I can certainly believe that. The thing is I've spoken to quite a few entrepreneurs who say that it's worked very well for them. My mentor on the other hand didn't give me a clear path, just to do what's needed to boost Facebook algorithms and to speak to at least 20 people, then try to pitch them Exitus Elite. It didn't work out because I didn't know what to do with objections and when asked about what it is. I was told to just link up with my mentor and to see if he can do the talking. He didn't succeed in getting anyone recruited in my name. Now he's apparently gone off to some other venture and hasn't posted anything in Facebook for weeks

Since then I've bounced all over the place looking at various webinar training videos and as much as I want to say I've learned a few things on these webinars that were free and that I've written them down, I found that putting them into practice is difficult due to so much crap in my head. Either way, I think the biggest problem I'm struggling with is the commitment to any program that promises to help me make money online through a social media platform. My keeps telling me that I can't afford it, even though I've got thousands of pounds in my bank account. Part of me knows it's part of a Student Loan and if I get a five-figure job, I'll have to pay it back, IMO, I need to sort out something to help pay it back sooner, rather then later. and it doesn't help that I feel like I haven't got the right equipment. Maybe I also need a coach in the world of business?

It also doesn't help that I keep thinking about my parents who keep saying "No" to any business opportunity. My Mum is very much convinced that those who are rich will lie to their students to get rich on the backs of people like me. Some of the entrepreneurs say that they would like nothing more than for me to succeed in doing a business opportunity. Which is interesting that the most recent one I saw was offering a money-back guarantee should it not work out for me if I invested into it that day. I didn't in part because I was worried about my parents thinking they will have to freeze my accounts if I do any more investing in any business ventures. Mum tells me to wait until you finish your Environmental Science course, get a well-paid job, and then try out a business venture.

I'm constantly told by a lot of people that going to Greenwich University is a very important opportunity that many would strive for. I've also learned that they host many social events and among them, I heard were gaming clubs. All the more reason I want to stay at the University. I just keep thinking about trying to earn some money on the side. Part of me thinks it should be through social media and another part wants me to find another job as well as the one I'm currently using, which is an office cleaning job. I know I can't live on that job alone. The Flat's expenses are just too high for it. I just hope that Claire can give me another office and/or I find another job or something. I'm not against working night shifts. I definitely need to wait and see if I can cope with the workload and the requirements the University demands out of me.

I remember one of them called Brad, telling me to stick to one thing and laser focus on it. So what do I want to laser focus on? I think I would like to do Youtube and then use Facebook as well. I also get sidetracked by other things and I need to cast them aside as best as I can.

Part of me wants to start by doing let's plays and walkthroughs of the games in my collection. I have hundreds of games and It would be stupid not to do some kind of playthrough, but I believe, rightly or wrongly that I need the right equipment to do it, I have, so far, an Elgato device that can be used for my Xbox. I think I need a laptop for it though. We are in the planning stages but I find listening very hard for me. I want the right laptop for the job. I also think I need a camera of some kind to record the games and a microphone to be heard on the channel.

I also want to do vlogs about myself and my autism. There's no shortage of videos of my childhood on VHS cassettes and Dad and I are going through them with the intention of creating a couple of DVDs. I on the other hand want to make them into a project that could also be uploaded into Youtube into some deep meaning about how Coronavirus has affected me. But I think my mindset is hampering whatever progress I'm trying to achieve. I keep thinking I need to make money and I'm sure any entrepreneur would tell you that's fatal thinking. I just need to know how to change that.

What doesn't help is that say I join a business venture online or in Greenwich University out of that contest that is being hosted and will likely end by November. Say I managed to make a lot of money out of that venture and I managed to succeed in getting a return of my investment, what then? I'm worried about how the government would respond if I managed to make quite a bit of money. I feel like they're also watching over me and they probably have more power than my parents. 

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this quote"

"Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million."

Say I do succeed and in the future earn a six-figure income, be it business or a job that I work 9-5, what would I do with the money? I'd rather donate it to charity, in particular environmental causes. I think that also doesn't help me with my path either. It's tragic.

University has a business opportunity? Mum says no.

I meant to post this earlier but I got sidetracked. Last night (Thursday to be precise), I saw an email from my University email account offering a contest for students to pitch their business opportunity to people who understand how to run a business with a £4,000 grant at stake. The deadline is at the end of November, as I recall. I told my Mum about this and she wasn't enthusiastic about it, to say the least.

My mother has repeatedly told me that I'm not in a proper state of mind to run a business of any kind. We have had about a half an hour argument.

I don't want to jump onto the contest right away, I think I need connections and the right people to speak to about my concepts and how they would set the business up.

My current business idea involves substituting the plastic that we use every day into a biodegradable packing material that when discarded can break down naturally and/or is worm food for soil quality. This is based on the fact I've been litter picking for over 5 years and I have found it annoying how much junk is plastic that's been discarded without a care in the world.

Failing that as I come to think of it. I was told there's no video game club in Ashford. Would be nice to have one...

My university and my Gmail account.

Yesterday, I was told I didn't need to go to the Campus for the rest of the week and I thought this was a warm-up induction to the University and the real learning starts next week. Combine this with no events happening today, I thought I could relax, go walking the dogs with my carer coming tomorrow and spend some time with my parents.

Turns out not to be the case, my carer coming today was less than enthusiastic about what I like to do with the carers, and that included walking the dogs. What was worse was that my parents still had not sorted out their washing machine problem that started a couple of weeks ago when a mouse chewed up one of the cables and caused the entire system to go haywire. After three visits from the electrician/plumber, it was decided the washing machine was a lost cause and my parents would have to get another one. That meant more washing up at my house to do and I hate my washing machine.

Worse was that there were online lectures that came out of nowhere and I missed them. All because they weren't there yesterday. What's worse was that Mum caught me looking at affiliate marketing stuff on Facebook again and she was livid, to say the least. How can I adjust to the university when I'm focusing on affiliate marketing stuff on Facebook. This is why I don't want to study at home. When I get my laptop and such I need to be in the Libary or something because this is seriously making it hard on myself.

On a more personal level, my Gmail account was recording over half my space used up and I didn't understand how. I then took the difficult choice of deleting my promotional tab of over 90% of its emails as that was the bulk of my Gmail content. Turns out my Gmail account has been storing photos from my past dating back 2015. So I now need to go over which photos to remove and which ones to keep.

My first day in University and my thoughts.

So today I went to Greenwich University at Medway Campus for the first time, on my own. My course is Environmental Science as I want to make changes to systems to become more environmentally stable to help with various problems we are causing to the environment. I made my video on Facebook about it and got quite a few comments and likes. Along the journey, a friend of mine who works for the government called me and said he'll be here if I need any help.

After a visit to a petrol station to get fuel, I managed to arrive to find the Campus to be all but void of energy. There weren't many people around and when I parked my car, forgetting to pay for parking but getting it resolved, thankfully. I ended up wandering around the place, not knowing where to go, despite asking a couple of staff members.

It turns out to be a warm-up week, and it turns out that many lectures are to take place online. I managed to a look around in the Library with my card, but without someone to help me to find out what to do, I just spent the majority walking around the campus. I managed to get another bag to take home. This "Goodies" bag has a couple of pens, a reusable coffee cup, a face mask, and some kind of circle thing I don't really understand its function.

I was told that it was an induction day and therefore I could go home. I have been contemplating now on whether I should've gotten accommodation at the Campus but my parents insist that I did the right thing by not doing so. There was supposed to be a movie night event at the campus, according to the website, but with the new regulations of social distancing being placed by the government, I wouldn't have thought staying was going to be worth it, nor going back there to check it out. I would prefer to get in touch with the community. To that end, I need to write an email to someone who can give me the Whatsapp groups. I did contemplate having lunch at the campus restaurant called The Deep End and they had an app for me to download so I could see the menu. Unfortunately, the app wasn't working and so I decided not to eat there and head home instead.

When I got home I did find a lecture on something called a Moodle. An educational online program designed to help you create content online, linking Youtube Videos and how to produce instructions on the internet. After going through the course of how the Moodle works, I was given two tests and I finished them with all questions answered correctly. I'm sure I can rewatch the videos at any time. In any case, I was to be rewarded a badge for it, but I can't seem to and it won't show up on my profile. During that lecture, I saw plenty of profiles in forum boards but I could only see the names of them and that's it. There is a way to search by putting the first letter of your forename and your surname and when I tried it with my name, I'm the only one who's got my name, curious.

I did make some small chat with a couple of students but I'm hoping that more social events will give me the opportunity to make new friends.

My university starts tomorrow!

Tomorrow morning is the first day of my University course. I'm doing an environmental science course as I'm very concerned about the environment as I believe everyone else should be.

This is at a time where I am most needed to help with the world and I hope to make a difference to people who need it most.

For the last few months what I've been trying to do is start some kind of business opportunity online. The last few months haven't been good. I have lost a bit of money in a failed strategy and it doesn't help that my mentor who was supposed to help me with the business has abandoned me.

Since then I went through what many entrepreneurs would call "Shiny Object Syndrome". In other words, I have no clarity and no structure in place to run a successful online. I had hoped to make money online through Affiliate marketing and my head doesn't want to give up in finding something I can do to help me achieve financial independence. My parents say that this course will help me land a 5 figure job. I hope so and then I could help with the environment. That's kinda what I want to do with the world.

Unfortunately, with the university tomorrow, I have no choice but to put a business venture in the back seat for who knows how long. I've gone through too much in my life and will need time to adjust. I hope I can find the right people at the university and I hope that one day. I'll no longer worry about being helpless and in fact, can make an impact on the environment. I'll be posting more content here and I'll make sure I report on what I've learn't here.

September 11th, and the 20 year history of my Au pair and an update on my DSA.

I kinda know that this is a little late given the circumstances. But better late than never.

Today is the birthday is my Au pair, whose job back then was to look after me when I got back from school. He would often have a chicken pie ready for me. A store-bought chicken pie, mind you but a chicken pie, nonetheless.

He spent so many years with us. He helped with manual labor as he was very strong and he helped us when we were raising pigs. He was always kind and patient with me, despite my autism. He and his twin brother learned much of our culture and could speak and write English like a second language. 

My parents took me to his home country in Czech Republic, we had a lovely time there. He's now married with a couple of kids so he's moved up in the world and I think I'm overdue for a reunion.

It's a shame that his birthday September 11th. The same day that the twin towers were destroyed by those planes. I remember staring at the tragedy on TV and having such switching channels constantly to see if I was dreaming. It still affects us to this day. I've seen many reactions to 9/11, much of it was asking "why?". I'm no stranger to all the conspiracy theories in relation to 9/11 and in it seems to be part of our culture nowadays to make references to 9/11. I remember the BBC or I think it was doing a documentary of all the inconsistencies that were talked about with 9/11.

As for my university course. My parents have finally got a report on my DSA eligibility and the results were shocking. I will have access to over nearly £10K! I will even have access to special equipment in relation to my autism and my mental conditions. One such piece of equipment is a Dragon microphone, designed to write what I speak into the microphone, first time I saw it was when I was with a member of Kent Supportive Employment, or when it used to be called that. I liked it as I always speak a lot, even when I'm alone in my home. If nothing else, it can help me with my blogging. I was told the first few months will not be easy, not the least of the reasons being that its been 10 years since I took an education.

As for my desire to build an online business, it will have to be put on the back seat, no ifs, ands, or buts. I plan to explain more about my feelings in a future post. I promise.

I'm overwhelmed by my addictive but seriously flawed mindset on making money.

I never told anyone this myself but my mind is addicted to learning how to make money online, without taking the necessary actions to do so.

If there's one thing I'm told over and over again by my parents is that I'm not capable of selling anything, managing overheads. I'm scared of investing money into a business or opportunity of any kind. This is in no small part of me going to university and I'm told that it's going to take almost my entire mental energy just to study and to graduate. But my biggest reason is that I'm still under my parents' care.

I'm an autistic person who can't sit still or listen easily. For example, when I had someone spoke to me and my mum a couple days ago at an environmental agency about recycling and how I wanted to see if it's an opportunity to make money out of clearing up rubbish as we have that all over England and I'm passionate about clearing it all up, but I've only been doing it voluntarily and I wanted to see if it's possible to make a side hustle, for lack of a better phrase. But I couldn't help but get out my phone and look up some of the things he talked about without properly listening to him, afterwards I wanted to share with him my favorite search engine called Ecosia.

If you don't know what Ecosia is, it's a search engine that's designed to plant trees using advertising revenue from various companies to fund reforestation projects all around the world. It's managed to reach over 100 million trees in recent months. I still raise awareness of Ecosia as I believe that the more people who use Ecosia, the more trees are planted. It's free to use and available to use wherever and whenever you are.

www.ecosia.org

I did it again when browsing for a laptop and I ended up wandering around looking at other computers. It probably doesn't help that I'm used to my Mum doing a lot of things for me as all the complex details can sometimes fly over me. I have suggested that I need to take a notepad with me and write all that I hear down in future occurrences. It could help a lot, I'm sure.

What I'm struggling with, however, is my addiction to learning how to make money from home. Yesterday, I watched no less than three webinars, two of which offered their courses and mastership programs, promising massive returns but were priced in thousands of dollars, both of which I feel like I can't afford to. The first was a masterclass designed to help your spirituality, the second was about making money from blogging and creating digital products that affiliates would then start selling for you. The reasons I didn't commit do include money but I swear it's not just that. It ranges from the university to my parents and my nephew telling me I'm simply not entrepreneur material and my history of trying to run a business does support their beliefs. There's also the problem of me wanting to do things months, if not years ago, and not fully pursuing it, such as a Youtube Channel, why should I just buy stuff when I've got things I want to do but haven't done them? Not to mention that I've lost count on how many people tell me that going to University is a wonderful opportunity. I believe it is, but I'm worried about how Covid-19 has impacted the potential to be with like-minded people as I find that most of my courses are online and that I'm not good at working from home. My parents have offered me one of their spare bedrooms and that I can sleep there and stay for studying. Perhaps I should also stay in a library to study as well.

Why do I want to earn money online? It's obviously because I want to be able to survive on my own. I also want to buy things online but I struggle to maintain my finances, I'm not good at thinking whether It's for me. I have spoken to a lot of entrepreneurs online who do affiliate marketing and they make a lot of money through their methods. They commented on how they either lost everything or were in a very seriously bad place or that they hated their jobs and managed to create a business and had quit their jobs. Some did say that their previous job wasn't all that bad, but I digress, they managed to get themselves up the ladder.

Ultimately I did write down a list of things to do this month and I intend to finish them. I think If I don't do that, then I'm going to struggle with my life and I'll sooner or later go to my death bed with sorrow and regret, which as I understand is what a lot of people do so.

One of the strangest ironies as a litter picker.

If my Facebook posts are anything, I take great pride in being a litter picker. I've been doing it for years and on a good day, I can fill up to 8 bags! Cans, bottles, packets, cartons, cigarette buts, I find them all and they go into the bin.

I take pride in getting rid of all the rubbish I find and I stop at nothing to make sure it's all tidy at the places I go to. I've been to football tournaments, car parks, motor ways, rivers, fields and woodlands. I even clean up the litter near where I live and it used to be filthy and full of rubbish.

My hard work in clearing up the litter has definitely yielded results. I've been awarded a medal and trophy from my football club for my hard work and dedication, been placed in news articles showcasing my efforts and was even given "Villager of the Year", along with my parents, which was a first I've heard of a whole family been awarded this title.

But I have a bad secret that showcases a serious irony about myself and that's I'm a slob in my own home. I can't get myself to make my bed after I get up, wash up the dishes myself after eating lunch or dinner, can be barely persuaded to vacuum the floor. I don't even take 5 minutes to pick up my dirty socks and underwear. I just don't understand why I am like this at home. I often need someone else to tidy up my home and that is just plain crazy. Some of my closest friends who know off my efforts comment on my laziness at home.